Numb inside

This artwork describes my mood today!

I have let myself down and I'm feeling Glum.

Mentally I have done SO WELL for over 3 weeks now.. I have pretty much removed processed food.  But this weekend being Easter there have been a supply of Easter eggs in our family home and I was determined NOT to eat any.  I didn't buy my kids many and I didn't buy myself any.. (but my parents sent a big bag for the boys)

But I realised there is still echo's of the OLD thinking in my brain.. this All or Nothing mentality.  Its not like I binged on Chocolate.. but my eating has definitely felt chaotic.

, 

I did have an Easter egg at my best friends, 4 solid mini eggs and had about 4 squares of 70%+ dark choc,  and it was ok.. but I don't WANT even this small bit of poison in me or the feeling of missing out it raised and so today I felt so glum, angry, teary and tired.

I still did my green juice but it felt ruined because the good veg are frozen from our frdge being stupid and so didn't taste too good and because I told myself I shouldn't have sugary fruits in it I suddenly am thinking about sugar.  WTF is that about.  

My body doesn't WANT it.  My resolve doesn't WANT it.. but a part of my brain is feeling lonely and neglected.. (NOT helped by my husband working in his study most of the weekend because his company demand this work be done and he has to do it before Tuesday so his family, who rarely see him these days miss out AGAIN)

So instead of the fishing trip or even a picnic in the park we have done NOTHING.. the boys never got their promised bike park ride with Daddy because HE didn't prioritise time with them.

And now I'm VERY pissed about it and so the first thing that surfaces is this whole EATING crap. 

I also watched a few episodes of the UK show Supersize vs Superskinny and I guess it kept everything emotionally in focus ONLY because if I didn't I would have just said "Stuff if all" and had a binge.. though I'm not sure I would have as I really don't WANT it.. but then I can binge on ANYTHING.. its a mindset not a food issue.  So I did eat a massive amount of creamy yoghurt and I enjoyed it.. but the intense dairy kick has made me very sluggish!

My visualisation time have just comatosed me also.. I couldn't focus on them. I could only sooth and sleep from them. .  I still did them but my good attitude is just not there.. the one that is keeping me focused is just feeling very Shi##y about life right now.

Money is going to be tight as usual and our good grocery budget blow out will likely mean I will have a pretty pathetic birthday on the 13th April . and its something that always depresses me as I rarely get the birthday I want (without having to organise it myself) and I feel depressed about that.

Anyway.. need to get off my pity pot.. think I might go for a walk.. even though its scary in our neighbourhood Im actually thinking if anyone messes with me Im like to Chinese burn them!

On wards and forwards!!!  I need to learn to be HAPPY with my own company and stop relying on my husband to try and fill a void I obviously have!