The changing face of skippy

Its refreshing to see the physical changes.. especially as I dont weigh myself

A new "Worzel Gummidge" head for me today!

After a bout of the "GLUMS" yesterday I started the day with new resolve and a new "head" on.  A new focus and a new outlook. 

I'm very much an extremist and often have a black and white view of life.  So its refreshing that I start this new month with a new focus.  

My juicing daily is a commitment and habit so I am comfortable this will not change.  I see it as a natural supplement to my daily digestion!

I also add daily supplements like digestive enzymes, probiotics, multi Vit and Omega3.  This is because my gastric band compromising my ability to eat enough live foods to get what I need.  

I'm starting my day with Apple Cider Vinegar and water too.  

Today's new head is about being less obsessive about RAW.. not that I'm not still passionate about it and my kitchen and pantry are now set up to make more.. but I found I was becoming phobic of all other  foods. Anything not Raw or anything slightly processed.  Anything with white flour, sugar, dairy .. pretty much anything that I hadn't made.  It was really upsetting me and making me feel like a failure.

Reality is I need to do what I CAN do and NOT about what I'm scared of not doing!  This journey of rehabilitating my toxic body is not about some fad detox diet.. its about establishing GOOD habits that are life giving.  And I was beginning to be overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.

The Easter Weekend was a good reminder to me is that every day is a NEW day.  Nothing is "undoable".. and I'm NOT a victim of a defeatist attitude!

I am going to remember that like Worzel Gummidge I have a purpose and yet I can have an "interchangeable head", something for all occasions.  I can be flexible and it wont be the end of the earth! Lets face it.. sometimes Aunt Sally wants CAKE!!

Numb inside

This artwork describes my mood today!

I have let myself down and I'm feeling Glum.

Mentally I have done SO WELL for over 3 weeks now.. I have pretty much removed processed food.  But this weekend being Easter there have been a supply of Easter eggs in our family home and I was determined NOT to eat any.  I didn't buy my kids many and I didn't buy myself any.. (but my parents sent a big bag for the boys)

But I realised there is still echo's of the OLD thinking in my brain.. this All or Nothing mentality.  Its not like I binged on Chocolate.. but my eating has definitely felt chaotic.

, 

I did have an Easter egg at my best friends, 4 solid mini eggs and had about 4 squares of 70%+ dark choc,  and it was ok.. but I don't WANT even this small bit of poison in me or the feeling of missing out it raised and so today I felt so glum, angry, teary and tired.

I still did my green juice but it felt ruined because the good veg are frozen from our frdge being stupid and so didn't taste too good and because I told myself I shouldn't have sugary fruits in it I suddenly am thinking about sugar.  WTF is that about.  

My body doesn't WANT it.  My resolve doesn't WANT it.. but a part of my brain is feeling lonely and neglected.. (NOT helped by my husband working in his study most of the weekend because his company demand this work be done and he has to do it before Tuesday so his family, who rarely see him these days miss out AGAIN)

So instead of the fishing trip or even a picnic in the park we have done NOTHING.. the boys never got their promised bike park ride with Daddy because HE didn't prioritise time with them.

And now I'm VERY pissed about it and so the first thing that surfaces is this whole EATING crap. 

I also watched a few episodes of the UK show Supersize vs Superskinny and I guess it kept everything emotionally in focus ONLY because if I didn't I would have just said "Stuff if all" and had a binge.. though I'm not sure I would have as I really don't WANT it.. but then I can binge on ANYTHING.. its a mindset not a food issue.  So I did eat a massive amount of creamy yoghurt and I enjoyed it.. but the intense dairy kick has made me very sluggish!

My visualisation time have just comatosed me also.. I couldn't focus on them. I could only sooth and sleep from them. .  I still did them but my good attitude is just not there.. the one that is keeping me focused is just feeling very Shi##y about life right now.

Money is going to be tight as usual and our good grocery budget blow out will likely mean I will have a pretty pathetic birthday on the 13th April . and its something that always depresses me as I rarely get the birthday I want (without having to organise it myself) and I feel depressed about that.

Anyway.. need to get off my pity pot.. think I might go for a walk.. even though its scary in our neighbourhood Im actually thinking if anyone messes with me Im like to Chinese burn them!

On wards and forwards!!!  I need to learn to be HAPPY with my own company and stop relying on my husband to try and fill a void I obviously have!

New Life! Learning to live it

Today is Easter Sunday and is our normal Technology free day which the children embrace without question now!

Today my darling husband made the kids Pancakes and I made a Green spinach based juice.  I must say I didn't miss the pancakes.. the idea of eating them did not appeal. I had eggs on Nut bread with my Spinach juice.. I feel good!

My only frustration at the moment is feeling disconnected from my family as I am growing and learning to live in the now.  In the past I would have eaten down the emotions of dealing with them and I would have emotionally shut down.

I'm really battling with anger at the moment.  Its there under the surface and I'm snipping at anyone who even just looks at my buttons. Sadly this is usually my husband or the kids! 

Im able to question these emotions now and I'm clearing on them.  But I dont think its going to be overnight because Im changing and they are not.. and Im seeing things I dont like and either gonna have to speak out to change them or just get over it.

Its not an easy place to be and makes me very uncomfortable.. and as I no longer turn to food for stuffing that feeling down its either tackle it head on or feel bad!.  

Im going to meditate and give it over to God.  Im continually Clearing on any memories that  arise and Im going to let this be my process of getting over it!.

Hubby and I will be celebrating 20yrs marriage in July and we have been together 22yrs on 3rd April and I must say I feel in many ways we are starting again this year... or a least on a new path.  Its kind of frustrating and kind of exciting.. but one I know changes need making together.. we need to move in the same direction.  But Im committed to dealing with this.  

(Hubby will probably read this and go.. "oh are we/do we... doh!")

2013 so far in review...

• Hubby started a new job which takes him away from home a lot (at moment half the week and soon most of the week)  
• Our youngest started school
• Im living a live food life and dealing with emotions differently
• Financially we are in a better controlled place - even though we have no surplus money each fortnight to live lavish like before.  We live more simply and controlled and it can be tense at time but we know we are provided for.

All these changes at once do sometimes become overwhelming and its so completely important to underpin them with LOVE, Communication and Faith...  but some how we are stronger than ever!

The Power is within

I am reflecting on how my journey must always reflect and honour God, my Father in heaven.

Today is Good Friday and I'm mindful of what happened to Jesus.

It brings to mind that he CHOSE to be there. Yes there were evil men involved but he CHOSE to be there, suffering, persecuted and dying on a crucifix.

For me this journey is learning about my own Power of Choice.. the power within me. The God given ability to choose and change.

Our bodies are so incredibly complex in the way they work, the way cells listen to each other (or don't listen sometimes) The amazing way that every single cell in our body DIES and gets replaced within a 2 yr period. This is amazing and empowering knowledge.. because this means I DO have some control over my own body..

For so long I felt a victim to the cruel way my body has enjoyed storing Fat.. but actually now I MARVEL and its clever way of doing it.

Fat is not my enemy.. its a God created process of keeping me alive.. but sadly my own actions, thoughts, deeds etc have caused it turn like a toxic weed.

What I mean by all this and how this applies to my life today is..

Food should be about assisting our cells to reproduce. Food should be about keeping our Mind clear and our bodies functioning at its BEST so that we can have amazing relationships with other humans and this world. To create the BEST experience demonstrating the complex nature of God.

I feel so in tune with life now. Before I was walking around in a blind haze of negative thinking and reactionary actions drugged up on man made toxic food "like" substances.

Now I live purposefully!.

Today I planted some beans, spinach and lemon grass seeds to add to my ever growing garden of life giving plants.

I ate 4 raspberries and 2 strawberries straight from the bush and they tasted amazing!.

Its just the small things at first but as you gain momentum life changes fast like the down hill slope on a Rollercoaster. If you go fast enough the uphills are so much easier!

As we go on to celebrate Easter and the power it gives us, lets thank God for making us Unique and Complex creations that never get bored by the amount we have to learn about ourself and life!

21 Days of success (my post on the Gabriel Method Forum)

I had the privilege of going to Jons Kiama Retreat this month and it was a profound turning point in my journey.

Too many things happened at retreat to share in one post but about 2/3s through I suddenly changed INSIDE. The Qi energy of the whole retreat was transforming me holistically ..

On the Thursday night we watch Hungry for Change DVD and I think this was a huge turning point for me – as after watching that DVD my change started with me singing 2 Karaoke at the local Hotel when a couple of the GM coaches and retreat delegates and I decided to let our hair down. Their encouragement made me fearless to get up and sing in front of a LOT of strangers who lets say were all jolly on alcohol (though our group were sober). I come across as out going but had learned to be shy in many situations.. but I had no one to hide behind this time..

That night I was a new me emerging like a caterpillar coming out of a cocoon a new creature.

It was liberating and empowering to be there.

Since the first full day on retreat (Wednesday) I had been eating LIVE foods and a daily juice.. I was visualising alone and in a group. I was “eating the sun” I was around people who shared their vitality.. it was reinforced several times it takes 21 days to establish a new habit and I came home determined to do just that. So.. I got back my home in Brisbane with a solid foundation to go on with.

I have had daily LIVE juice and greens, I have honoured my body with nutrition and I have fed my mind with healthy mental attitudes.

I naturally stopped eating Gluten (and processed carbs) I naturally reduced my dairy intake to just cheese, a splash of milk in coffee and occasional yoghurt and I have ZERO cravings for processed crap or sugary vices!

I have surrounded myself with a cheering squad of inspiring people who keep me humble and encourage me. Who hear my heart and dont crush me.

Its the CORE of GM that changes you holistically and for me I finally found my Mojo.

I dont weigh myself on scales as these represent and Old diet head that I am ridding.. and as one challenge goes a new challenge surfaces so my new challenge is BODY SHAPE.

Parts of my body seem to be emptying of excess fat cells at a rate of knots and as a SUPER morbidly obese personal this is leaving me a little spooked. I have been battling physically with skin flaps that could create a cyclone if I wave at you too long!!! So.. my mind has gone into overload today worrying about EXCESS SKIN.

I have realised today that my body is feeling like its being sucked from the inside out and I realised my visualising has been lacking that physical acknowledgement of what its be replaced with! My only answer to that is LOVE. I have to find a way that Im not LOSING weight but Im REPLACING it with something more life giving and fulfilling.

I dont have to be a saggy baggy elephant.. and Im now going to devise a meditation or visualisation where I teach my skin to shrink.. because its no longer needed. I might have to do something symbolic like rubbing rose oil in and using imaginary healing hands to thank my skin for doing its job.

All in all.. EXPECT change to produce a whole new you and never be surprised by the things it brings to the surface..

This is more than weight loss this is about Recovery!

Here’s to the Next 21 Days!

After I posted this on the forum a news.com.au came onto my news feed on facebook

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health-fitness/being-thin-is-no-fairytale/story-fneuz9ev-1226606989848

 I’m a firm believer that I have a very good intuition and sixth sense.. but who knew the tabloids were connected to my vibe!

Confessions of a nutcase

So today I decided to publicly journal my day as its been hard but I am succeeding in not making it and old "diet head bad day"

This morning I was feeling very lazy.. didn't really want to get up and get the boys ready for school.. and as usual they were also being mega lazy and refusing to listen to me etc etc.

Then I felt miffed because I had left the kitchen in a big mess.. (really miss my Tom who often cleans up my kitchen so that I have a great mental place to be in the morning)

Finally the S hit the F when I saw what a pigsty the boys had made the play room.. including dirty clothes and dishes.. just pure laziness that just Popped my cork..

I just had such a rage over it.. and I banned the boys from TV for the weekend (which equates to Saturday as Sundays are TV free anyway) and then I got really angry and said if it was cleaned up NOW that there would be no playground visit or play dates etc etc..

Ugh.. it was NOT my proudest mothering moment... I ended up with an angry grumpy 5 year old and a teary angry 7 yr old and we only just made it to school just before the bell!

All day its put me off. ..THEN I made a stinking putrid juice with the pesky sprouts and I was in no mood to pretend it was delicious.. It stank like my mood and since I have been battling my mind of guilt, determination NOT to let it control my eating and then craving salt!..

So.. I listened to a Chakra Meditation.. Starting reading Jon Gabriels book introduction (when he tells his testimony) and I have been keeping focused on the right way forward for me.

I made a new juice, I made a coffee (decided Im not ready to give up that yet) I took my thus far missed nutritional supplements and I made a new juice with items I knew I would like.

Life shouldn't be about the should NOTs but about the SHOULDS..

Shoulds encourage action.. Should NOTS encourage dissatisfaction.

Now I have blogged this.. I should Apologise to my kids this afternoon.. and make a delicious dinner (hey.. its my love language!)

I SHOULD make sure my home is respectable to receive my Husband home after his 3 days away working.

Eventually my SHOULDS turn into WILLS and My WILL power becomes who I am!!

here endeth my confession of a Nut case!