For a long time I have suffered numerous mental illnesses, ranging from depression, obsession, compulsion, eating disorders and borderline personality disorder (trait).
I know first hand the debilitating nature of Chronic Fatigue and have experienced many different forms of therapy and rehabilitation including Gestalt Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural, Psychiatry, Dieticians Bariatric Surgery, high doses of the drug Fluoxitine (Prozac) as well as a month inpatient treatment at a Psychiatric hospital.
Before I share further I want you to know I'm no longer medicated and I'm no longer using "therapy". I'm armed with a great "tool kit" from my experiences to help me through the days when I struggle.
LIFE INSIDE SKIPPY'S HEAD
Its a scary thought but you are probably wondering what life is like inside my head.. well let me share a story with you..
When I was 7 and in Yr 2 at school I was a cute kid.. but already a little messed up. I had been medicated for night time bed wetting which I now know was caused by a psychological reason. The medication then caused constipation which then made be very physically sick for a long time and already suffering from Nutritional starvation. At that young age it is clear to me that I was struggling with physical issues brought on by emotional issues at home.
So one day in class we were given free time to do various activities in the class. True Skippy style I focused on my task to intently that I was blocking out the rest of the world.. so I had obviously not heard the teacher say we had to remain in our desks (I think she was leaving the class room). I got up to change my work book and immediately got yelled at by the teacher (who was also the infants principle). I was called to the front and smacked very hard on the back of my legs... demanded to sit down at my desk and then my best friend was instructed to ensure I didnt move and report if I did whilst she left the room.
I vividly remember the humiliation and absolute unfairness of this treatment. To be smacked by the teacher was and still is a painful thing. I remember crying and pretending to look in the drawer underneath the table top of my desk just so I could hide and not be seen by my classmates. At the time I didn't even know what I had done wrong.
This is just one painful memory I have of times when I have unjustly got in trouble or where the punishment did NOT fit the crime.
Public Humiliation become something of a chronic issue in my life and being wrong became the most painful wound. This is very much the HEART of my Emotional Obesity.
Now 34 yrs later I am understanding that this wounding of my heart has caused a Trigger inside me that makes me sad, scared, feel stupid and a feel like a failure. Its CRAZY that something so long ago STILL effects me today!. The difference is I can now SEE it and I can now deal with it.
TOOL KIT IN ACTION
So over the weekend a few random people have made comments (innocent and not directly threatening) that I have taken to heart and "heard" as telling me I am wrong, stupid and a failure. There are a number of ways this can happen but any form of correction I find very hard to NOT take personally and to not then have a knock on effect in my life...
Because I'm afraid of being wrong because I might be humiliated, I strive to be Perfect. The smartest, fastest, most accurate, best at most things, know all.. I have a smug pride side of me that likes that I'm Intelligent and I also like others to see me as "somewhat of an expert"... and don't get me wrong.. fact is. I AM SMART and I do know a lot. lol.. BUT there is a way of presenting that doesn't need to also attack me inside. Being those things isnt BAD but letting them eat me like a Pride and Smugness IS a bad thing... especially when they blind me and detract from the GOOD things I'm doing for myself. Lets face it.. knowledge is only as good as the action it produces!
So when I felt like I was once again WRONG on the weekend.. Immediately I go into shame mode. I must say this is rarely happening these day but when it does, it KICKS me hard.
Its no surprise it happened when I was going away from home for the weekend. Vulnerability of being out of routine is dangerous. Also when I get slightly complacent with my life I am also vulnerable to being attacked emotionally.. Sabotaged by the ugly side of life... the side of "MY LIFE" anyway, that wants me to remain stuck forever in the "Less Quality being" that I had become.
Old strategies of dealing with this kind of emotion would be - SULK, Tantrum, Cry, Throw in the towel, Binge eat and Anger.
NEW Strategies of dealing with negative, shame and fear emotions:
- RECOGNITION - seeing it for what it is has been the most liberating part of my journey. KNOWING its happening and being able to see its a temporary fixable thing.
- REACTION - Don't react immediately.. my impulses to react are not yet healthy so an immediate reaction or action is actually not that helpful.
- ACCOUNTABILITY - who am I reacting for? ME.. no one else. its MY life and no other person has to live with the outcome (generally speaking) So acknowledging that my reaction will impact my journey is mega important.
- ACTION - What am I going to do as a consequence? Blog about it, change a habit, ADD something, meditate, Tapping, Clearing, chat to a friend, exercise, chores etc.
If I can go through this process the PHYSICAL reaction of fear and shame disappear... because they have been seen for what they are.. a child response to a grown up situation.
By blogging and sharing this today I have been able to deal with a very important and very potent Emotional Obesity Trigger and it will decrease its chance of happening again - But also add accountability and hopefully HELP someone else.
This is NOT an Inward selfish journey.. YES.. its MY journey but I was it to inspire others in theirs!
Skippy, so much introspection. I can't imagine ever getting to the place where I am so alert as to what is going on in my head. This is very eye opening.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kathryn, its a daily choice to do.. but over time it becomes second nature. :)
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